13 October 2014

So today I sat down with the assistant head of music at Glendale Community College. I intended to sit down with the actual head, however emails with the head will have to suffice.

I've dedicated a lot of my time in the last 3 months alone in my decision to return to school to pursue digital music production. My feelings versus what has happened appear to be in discord, which I find interesting.

What has happened
I spent a lot of time since 2009 pursuing things I didn't love, in thinking that money would buy happiness. First I pursued biomedical engineering, in the footsteps of my father who has always worked in the pharmaceutical industry.

I spent a lot of time since 2009 making good memories, but never really truly planning for them because I had a fatalist, cynical approach to nearly every aspect of my life. So in turn everything had this negative connotation, even the mere thought of getting up from bed was not rejuvenating to think about.

This fatalism, this cynicism… It should not have been rewarded. Despite my active resistance to my own destiny, I somehow secured a job at Sprouts Farmers Market in their Information Technology department in Phoenix, AZ.

This required me to move from sunny San Diego. Not that I would’ve known a difference at the time, I had associated San Diego with crummy memories and could rarely see the bright side of the landscape anyway.

So, in August 2013, I migrated my sorry self over to Phoenix, got my own apartment, prided myself in having my own corporate job, and then prided myself again in trying to settle down with the wrong love in my life.

I take great pride in my interpersonal relationships, so I’m going to spend a bit more time in this post iterating over some of the key events and the personal lessons in turn that I learned from dating this person.

To protect her identity, we’ll call her Jane. Jane was a person who was very much like me in many ways, but like any other human had her own individuality.

She liked the same video games I liked. The same music, and the same types of foods. For the first three months of the relationship, we flourished. We exchanged new ideas to each other, and I ended up being her initiator due to her over extended level of anxiety, preventing her from doing social things that others like myself can easily do without comfort, let alone thinking about. These types of things included: picking up the phone, going to the grocery store alone, traveling to places out of town… She lacked a lot of personal independence.

I didn’t realize it right away, but I realize it now. Jane was a representation of all the bad things in my life, a culmination of all the fatalism/cynicism in me. And in turn, as with any fatalist/cynic, that translated to an enormously selfish person. She used me, even took pride in it during our breakup, taking my money with her. I am at fault too to succumbing to what I didn’t realize was me trying to cling onto my own self.

I rejected my own growth, my own destiny.

Welp. Enough negative reflection.

What is happening now

My father believed that he could change the world with science, by advancing the human experience with pharmaceutical solutions to each and every human being. He did this via the application of big-money corporations that had lucrative sums of money to invest in various projects. And despite losing his job time and time again to company mandated layoffs, he retained that belief and didn’t succumb to the lavish idea that money buys happiness.

This is why I decided to return to music again. After experiencing years of depression, emotional pain, pointlessness, and other useless feelings, I simply had enough and re-evaluated my options.

In re-evaluating, in changing my internal human wiring, I saw new possibilities. I met new people. I expanded my professional network. I reached out to professionals already working or teaching in the digital music production sector. I created opportunities for myself, even found ways to mitigate the pain of expenses for school.

I have three months before school starts. I’ve implemented project management spreadsheets to manage the chaos in my life. I’ve started going to the gym again. Met some WONDERFUL friends, close and far. Started eating healthier again, done EXTENSIVE planning and research pending my return to school in Spring 2015.

In doing all this, I am convinced, and determined, that I will succeed. Moreover, that I’m in the part of life I was destined to always do. I’ve had enough friends and even astrologers tell me, “you are so meant for music.” Well, about damn time I go do it, and if I’m going to do it, might as well do it big!

Here’s what I’ve invested in so far in my intended path for music:
• Scrapped cello. I am grateful for the 20+ years of experience, but good god is it ever useless in digital music production
• Reached out to Avid Pro Tools official forums for support
• Researched the hardware/software requirements for digital music production
• Researched the cost requirements for digital music production
• Sat down with the head of music at Glendale Community College
• Scheduled to sit down with a faculty member at the Conservatory of Recording Arts in Chandler/Gilbert
• Sat down with a general academic counselor at Glendale Community College
• Sat down with a career counselor at Glendale Community College
• Procured a Visio 2010-powered flowchart outlining how I will succeed in music (where I see myself 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 15 years from now, what I think I need to get there, type thing)
• Cut back on the hours that I worked at my day job
• Reached out to several audio professionals already working in the industry for support and advice
• Compiled all of the above onto an Excel powered spreadsheet
• Invested in Sendible, a data analytics software application that helps me make smart, invested business decisions based on historical data from my social media accounts
• Chugging along everyday with optimism, hope, for an empowered future.


I feel like this list isn’t even done yet. There are many projects, many initiatives, and a lot of love and passion along the way to get there.