9 March 2014

Passions.

It's been ages since I've written in this blog. It's been ages since I've really been in tune with myself. I have spent almost a decade pursuing dreams that I have not been truly passionate about; chasing fruitless dreams and investing my self-worth in another human being, while letting my own insecurities fester in my subconscious and conscious reality alike.

Something cracked in my existence. As my mentor would say, or metaphysicists would say, the cosmic egg "cracked". I feel awoken. Perhaps the more commonplace way to ascribe it to would be to analogize this to Thane Krios from Mass Effect 2, a character wracked by guilt, but finds himself through religion and defines purpose for his actions.

Though, it would appear that path would be far different from Krios'. Not only do I not plan on assassinating people (thank goodness!), I am choosing a different path for myself, away from where I've been pushing towards the past year.

I spent the last year pursuing something that I was good at, and only out of necessity. A career that makes money, yes, Information Technology, but not something I want to pursue for the rest of my life. I tried convincing myself that I could, but the more I have been at work here at Sprouts corporate. What kind of person am I going to attract? The one person I tried to bring into my life intimately, my personal issues began to intersect with the positive dynamics of the relationship and it collapsed. (Granted, she had issues too and admitted to them... In any case, the relationship wasn't meant to be). And I KNOW the personal issues stemmed from the lack of true self-loving on my end.

I'm going to pursue music again. I'm not wasting time anymore. I see my brother at the age of 30 and doing what he wants to do, helping people understand themselves through education, and while he's not a billionaire, he sure is happy. I see people in my age group, some doctors, some photographers, some models, some philosophers, and some musicians, and I'm just here going... What the hell am I doing?

I've spent a lot of my life wondering why some people would abandon a high paying corporate job. I remember reading a blog entry about a woman who left Google Inc to pursue some personal passions. She abandoned six digit yearly salaries to pursue what she wanted to do. And she is happy. At the time when I started working for Sprouts corporate, I read that blog going "seriously? How stupid." And now I re-read that blog thinking, "wow. good for her!"

I have been chasing comfort through work, women, pursuing easy majors in school instead of what I want to do, I'm just done! I'm done being unhappy and not doing anything about it! My mother may have taken away my opportunity to stay in San Diego Youth Symphony back in 2003-2004, but I can't keep blaming things on a single individual-- I will succeed at doing and being what I love-- myself :)

I remember the days when I was in 7th grade, and I was in San Diego Youth Symphony. I remember loving to practice music on my own, really practicing because I really gave a shit about something that I really loved. As soon as that was taken away I stopped believing in myself and I became so destructive-- I remember how destructive I've been since SDYS in 2003-2004. I won't get back into SDYS anymore with my age, but I will get into where I want to be career-wise.

It won't be corporate, I don't think. At least not for a career.